User:Trixxiee Schomer/TV Pitch Essay

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Here is my essay for the TV pitch competition. All my own work yadda yadda....

I could do with some help elimination 40 or so words from it, to get it to the limit. Any help will be greatly appreciated, and comments welcome too.

The (Second Draft) Essay

The original was over 600 words. Current word count: 397.

Teen Second Life (TSL) is being used more frequently as an educational space for young people who are too young to use the adult version. One example of this is Schome Park, a closed-access island owned by Schome within TSL, where over 100 students, called Sparkers, are helping support staff conduct research, which aims to find out how SParkers develop "knowledge age" skills, for example, communication, teamwork and problem-solving. The researchers are also interested in knowing how the students respond to learning in a different situation and how they compare it to a 'normal' educational environment.
Already, many SParkers are learning new skills that will aid them in real life, for example, communicating ideas clearly, arranging material on a public space so that it is clear and understandable, and improving confidence through leadership. There have also been sessions held around particular subjects, e.g. physics. These have aided in improving communication skills as well as sparking new ideas. There is also a wish to diversify the range of sessions to include subjects rarely taught in schools, e.g. psychology.
For a TV audience, this research would be presented by following one student around for the day, with commentary explaining what is happening. It would show them chatting to friends, attending an archaeology session, building and furnishing a new house. It would also show them being interviewed for research, talking about their experiences in TSL and attending a meeting about current affairs in Schome Park. This would be supplemented with comments from other students, talking about their experiences, skills they have developed and how they wish to use the rest of the time in the pilot. This would show how the SParkers are developing skills from the basic controls to hosting a meeting; as well as how being part of a community aids teamwork and is enjoyable.
This would interest a general audience because it is available to everyone. SL provides a way of learning that would greatly benefit those people, aged over 13, who do not do so well in a school environment. It is a stimulating space which can be adapted for many uses and will show an audience that a lot can be achieved when placed in an environment that makes learning fun. This will also show parents that their children can achieve in a medium other than that of a school, and that anything is possible.

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Suggested revision

334 words Fox

Teen Second Life (TSL) is increasingly used as an educational space for people too young to use the adult version. One example is Schome Park, a closed-access island owned by Schome, where over 100 students, called Sparkers, are helping support staff conduct research to find out how SParkers develop "knowledge age" skills such as communication, teamwork and problem-solving. The researchers are also interested in how the students respond to learning in TSL and how they compare it to a 'normal' educational environment.

Many SParkers are learning skills that will aid them in real life: communicating ideas clearly, arranging material clearly and comprehensibly in a public space, and improving confidence through leadership. There are also subject-based sessions dealing with physics, philosophy, ethics and archaeology. These have helped improve communication skills and sparked new ideas. Future sessions will include subjects rarely taught in schools, e.g. psychology.

For a TV audience, this research would be presented by following one student for a day, with commentary explaining what is happening. It would show them chatting to friends, attending an archaeology session, building and furnishing a house. It would also show them being interviewed, talking about their experiences in TSL and attending a meeting about current affairs in Schome Park. This would be supplemented by other students talking about their experiences, skills they have developed and how they wish to use the project to develop. This would show that the SParkers are developing skills from the basic controls to hosting a meeting; as well as how being part of a community aids teamwork and is enjoyable.

This would interest a general audience because the environment is available to everyone. SL provides a way of learning that would greatly benefit anyone aged over 13 who does not do well in a school environment. A lot can be achieved in this stimulating and adaptable space which makes learning fun. Parents will see what their children can achieve in a medium other than that of a school, and that anything is possible.

Maybe just a different turn of phrase to start sentences in the third paragraph: currently "It would...It would.. This would... This would..." But looking very good! Mark Cabaret

Thanks Fox, that's amazing! Yeah, I will go through and sort out my repeated terminology before I send it off, but thanks to both of you. - Trixxiee

Looking great. When you send it off Trix make sure you identify yourself as part of the schome-NAGTY Teen Second Life Research Team PeterT 19:54, 8 May 2007 (BST)

Question: when I send it off, it says on the information page I should send it to schome-sl-help@open.ac.uk, yes? Also, do I put my SL name, or my RL name? - Trixxiee 19:58, 8 May 2007 (BST)

Trix, I think to be consistent about our anonymity policy, you should stick with your SL name, and say to contact Peter Twining in the event of you winning. PeterT could then arrange for you to get your prize without your real name being publicised.Fox